Bodily Fluid Soup

Gamut - [gam-uht] noun: the entire scale or range

Yesterday, Johnny boy put me through the gamut of bodily fluids. It all started when I was changing his diaper and thought there was no harm in letting him run around without his diaper on for a few seconds. He was standing behind me playing peekaboo, which I thought was so darling. Then I grabbed him, put on his diaper and hurried to take him over to the babysitter's house. A few minutes later, I looked down at the carpet and saw the evidence of a leak. Since Johnny dad doesn't usually relieve himself on the carpet, I knew it had to have been Johnny boy. As I also realized he only could have peed during peekaboo fest, I reached around to confirm that yes, in fact, he had peed on me as well. I was so glad I was wearing my coat already. Problem solved by a quick wipe-wipe.

Next ingredient of the bodily fluid soup: I'm holding Johnny in my arms in the front seat, waiting for his dad to come out to the garage to drive us down the street to the babysitter's. I am trying to force feed him his nightly bottle which he struggles to accept. Usually, I have to distract him by laying down on the ground next to him and reading him a book while he takes sips from the bottle. But we were late and I was just trying to make do. Johnny boy showed his discontent by throwing up what little milk he had consumed on my dress. Blech! Stinky and no time to change.

Third time's a charm when we are waiting in the babysitter's driveway and Johnny boy is happily playing with the radio controls with no ill effects showing from the before mentioned throw up incident. He has 4 top teeth and 2 bottom teeth with 2 more bottom teeth on the way so his salivatory glands have been on overdrive. Johnny dad is sitting next to us and notices but fails to prevent a large dollop of drool from hitting me on the leg. Warm and wet. Wow.

You might think the fun is over by now because we've dropped the little dude off and are on our way out for our hot date, but don't be deceived. Everyone knows bodily fluid soup has 4 main ingredients and the final one is not for the faint of heart. Johnny and I are holding hands and talking when I bring my other hand (don't worry, he wasn't holding the contaminated hand) up to my face and smell the distinct putrescence of poop. Apparently, I was not vigilant enough when I was changing Johnny boy's diaper and apparently I was not sanitary enough to wash my hands afterwards. Double yuck.

There you have it. Bodily fluid soup. Not recommended as a part of the daily diet but shout out to all those parents who know what I'm talking about.